In Today's Washington Post Express!
* Republican Governors Admit: "We Are Complete Racists"
Washington, DC--Governors George Pataki of New York and Robert Ehrlich of Maryland admitted yesterday that they are huge racists. At a special press conference in Washington, the two governors held hands and chanted "Ragheads go home!" for five minutes to a stunned but moderately receptive press corps.
Their admission comes as a reaction to the news that operations at several major U.S. Ports--including those of Baltimore and New York--will be turned over to a firm owned by the government of the United Arab Emirates, a dirty filthy raghead country lousy with oil money. "We are astounded," said Ehrlich, "that an Administration jam-packed with fellow Republicans and xenophobes would allow filthy sand niggers to be in charge of anything in the whole country ever. Since all Arabs are all exactly the same and they are all Muslim and they all want to destroy America, we are now asking to be attacked! And terrorized! TERROR!!!" Ehrlich is running for re-election in 2006.
The normally hyper-reactionary Bush Administration was uncharacteristically sanguine. "We're sure that someone is taking the proper precautions, or something. Frankly we're not really paying that much attention, what with the Middle East just generally going to hell," said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. "Besides, it's not like we don't have their phones tapped, anyway."
IN OTHER NEWS
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* Stanford Student Arrested for Being Tree Under the Influence
* Malaysian Minister of Public Works Totally Popular
* Bush Laments U.S. Oil Dependency, "And I Know From Addiction," He Adds
* U.S. Whines About Trade to China; China Laughs
* Louisiana Governor Unveils Reconstruction Plans a Mere Six Months After Katrina
* Dark Foreign People Die in Landslides, Mines, of Flu, Various Other Things
* Austria Really Serious About Holocaust Deniers
* Democracy, Freedom Flourish in Iraq Under Direction of U.S. Envoy
* Virginia: Even Our Democrats Hate Gays!
* Gas Prices Slightly Less Rapacious This Month
* Olympic CURLING!!! And Some Other Sports, Too
* Colonials Remain Most Overrated Team in NCAA
* Total Douchebag Wins Daytona 500
* Ads, Ads, Ads
* Soy Somehow Sexy
* Lace, Too, For More Obvious Reasons
* Bloggers Largely Ignorant, Stupid
* Lisa Marie Presley Marries Not A Creepy Pedophile
* K-Fed Maintains Delusions of Talent
* Wow, We're Up to FIVE Unfunny Comics Now! With Hilarious Results.