* New Pope Walks, Talks, Is Almost Human
Vatican City--The world was introduced to Pope Benedict XVI on Tuesday, when he walked under his own power out onto a balcony of St. Peter's Cathedral and addressed the crowd with speech that was entirely intelligible. "My brothers and sisters," the new holy father clearly enunciated, "I am humbled to have been chosen to the highest position my religion has to offer. I just love these new raiments! Yay Jesus."
Formerly the Archbishop of Munich, Cardinal Jospeh Ratzinger was the overwhelming conservative choice for Pope. A one-time Hitler Youth and German anti-aircraft gunner, Ratzinger later served as the head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, more commonly known as the Inquisition. He also continually warned the faithful about the dangers of heretical beliefs such as Marxism, atheism, relativism, liberalism, patriotism, pan-slavism, progressivism, heliocentrism, homosexualism, hispanicism and fun. While it is not known if Ratzinger was personally responsible for the torture of any Jews, gays or darkies, his election does dash the hopes of many Catholics around the world who had hoped that the new Pope would have a soul.
As of press time, the walking talking Pope was still not dead.
IN OTHER NEWS
* Monkey Is Best Cop in Mesa, Ariz.
* Brazilian Sand Pope More Lively Than John Paul II
* Republican Asshole Fails to Win Speedy Confirmation from Republican Senate, He's Such An Asshole
* Oklahoma City Remembers When Terrorists Were White
* Government Changes Food Pyramid to Combat Obesity; Attempts to Bail Out Titanic With Teaspoon
* Bush Desecrated Lincoln's Legacy With Presence At Presidential Library Opening
* Religious Intolerance Allegations At Air Force Academy Shock No One At All Ever, Not Even Dead People
* How's Iraq Today? You Have One Guess
* Chinese Children Are Freaks
* Italy Way Behind on Government Turnover; PM Calls for COnfidence Vote
* GM Loses More Money In Three Months Than You Will See In You Entire Life
* Remember Surge Cola? Neither Do We
* Investigators Seek Causes of Terror Trash Truck
* Senate Curious How NFL Keeps Functioning Without Steroids; Mulls Possible Baseball Applications
* Redskins To Do Something! It Should Be Awesome
* Everything Sucks for 49ers, Fans
* Four Year Old Applies to NBA Draft; Hawks "Very Interested"
* James Dean Still Dead, Lenny Kravitz Still Not; Truly There Is No Justice
* Matchbox Twenty Singer Gayer Now Than Ever
* It's a Sedan! It's a Coupe! You Can't Afford It Anyway!
* New Escalade Even MORE Over The Top, If You Can Believe
* Sting Constipates University Music Class
* Arquettes Will SUE Your Ass
* Man is tasteless! With hilarious results
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
* 1971: Pre-Scalia Supreme Court Reaffirms Anti-Segregation Stance
* 1889: Mass-Murdering Fuckhead Hitler Born, Not That Anyone Will Mention It