IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS

TOP STORY

* New Pope Walks, Talks, Is Almost Human

Vatican City--The world was introduced to Pope Benedict XVI on Tuesday, when he walked under his own power out onto a balcony of St. Peter's Cathedral and addressed the crowd with speech that was entirely intelligible. "My brothers and sisters," the new holy father clearly enunciated, "I am humbled to have been chosen to the highest position my religion has to offer. I just love these new raiments! Yay Jesus."

Formerly the Archbishop of Munich, Cardinal Jospeh Ratzinger was the overwhelming conservative choice for Pope. A one-time Hitler Youth and German anti-aircraft gunner, Ratzinger later served as the head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, more commonly known as the Inquisition. He also continually warned the faithful about the dangers of heretical beliefs such as Marxism, atheism, relativism, liberalism, patriotism, pan-slavism, progressivism, heliocentrism, homosexualism, hispanicism and fun. While it is not known if Ratzinger was personally responsible for the torture of any Jews, gays or darkies, his election does dash the hopes of many Catholics around the world who had hoped that the new Pope would have a soul.

As of press time, the walking talking Pope was still not dead.

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FUNNY PAGE

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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

* 1971: Pre-Scalia Supreme Court Reaffirms Anti-Segregation Stance

* 1889: Mass-Murdering Fuckhead Hitler Born, Not That Anyone Will Mention It