IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS
* Terrifying Terror Plot Foiled
Washington--Three men with Arab-sounding names were indicted on charges of Terror!, conspiracy to commit Terror! and conspiracy to use a weapon of mass destruction to kill people in an act of Terror! on Tuesday. The Grand jury returned the indictment on 23 March, but it was only unsealed yesterday, so as not to get lost in DeathWatch 2005 for Terry Schiavo and Pope John Paul II (who are both still dead).
The three men, who are in British custody, are accused of having visited New York and touring the financial district with the intent of surveillance for future plotting of a possible attack on the New York Stock Exchange and the surrounding neighborhoods back in August 2000 and April 2001. Information about these nefarious visits caused the Department of Homeland Security to raise the Terror! alert level to "Orange," or "Holy Shit!", last summer, annoying everyone.
"The arrest of these evil-looking men by British authorities four years after their activities shows the terrorists that the arms of American justice are swift," said Deputy Attorney General James Comey at press conference at the Department of Justice. "With such vigilance, we will certainly avoid another 9/11, which everyone had clearly forgotten about."
If convicted, the men, one of whom is al Qaeda's Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Casual Shoe Procurement, could get life sentences.
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THIS DAY IN HISTORY
* 1970: "Houston, We Have a Problem" First Uttered; Initially Not Considered Funny