* NEWS FLASH: POPE STILL DEAD
Vatican City--In a stunning turn of events, Pope John Paul II remains totally dead. Mourners, many of whom have been keeping vigil since the Pontiff's April Fool's Death on Friday, lined up to pay their respects at the Apostolic Palace in the Vatican. Despite having been mostly dead for the better part of a decade, the passing of John Paul II deeply saddened many of the world's Catholics and non-Catholics alike.
"He was the kindest, sweetest most moral man I never met in real life," said local Catholic Mary O'Callahan. "His vestments were always so white," agreed fellow Church-goer Rita Angelelli. "I keep hoping it's some kind of sick joke. Again, I mean."
Around the world the Pope was remembered as a moral and compassionate man. His stances on the inherent evil of women, the sinfulness of sex and sexual knowledge and the depravity of homosexuals, as well as his fetishization of life no matter how minimal the quality was hailed around the world as "forward-thinking" and "visionary." John Paul II has also been widely credited with helping bring down communism, ending world hunger, and inventing the light bulb.
As of this writing, the Pope had not Risen, but the College of Cardinals remains hopeful.
IN OTHER NEWS
* Indian Officials Annoy Evaders Into Paying Taxes
* Cavers Build Pyramids From Beer Crates In Belarus; We Assume In Some Universe This Makes Sense
* Stupid Record Broken
* Pope Still Still Dead; Leaves Nothing To Molested Children in Will
* Arizona Militia Members Find Socially Acceptable Outlet for Xenophobia
* Native American School Shooting More Complex, More Tragic, Less Visible Than Columbine
* Your Child Having Oral Sex Right Now
* Especially If S/he Has Taken Abstinence Vow
* Republican Lackeys Support Same In Appointment to UN Post
* Iraqi Government Deadlocked Over President; Democracy Truly Taking Hold
* World Shocked as Ruling Dictator Wins in "Free" Election
* Pope Still Still Still Dead, Area Catholic Realize
* New Software Allows You To Find Files on Your Own Computer; Next Version May Help You Find Keys
* OMG BASEBALL IN DC!!!
* College Basketball Season Inexplicably Still Not Over
* Period Omitted
* Andie MacDowell: "Is The Pope Dead? I Hadn't Noticed"
* There Are, Apparently, Things You NEED To Know About Mork & Mindy
* Fast Food Joints Seek To Create Ultimate Food Porn
* Neil Young Has Aneurysm; No One Can Tell Difference
* Bob Marley, Still Dead for 24 Years, Declined BBC Interview
* Hulk Hogan Remembers Glory Days of Professional Wrestling, Whenever Those Were
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
* 1968: Uppity Rights-Demanding Negro Assassinated
* 1850: Pit of Hell, California, Second Largest City in Nation, Incorporates
* Mindless destruction! With hilarious results.