IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS

TOP STORY

* NEWS FLASH: POPE STILL DEAD

Vatican City--In a stunning turn of events, Pope John Paul II remains totally dead. Mourners, many of whom have been keeping vigil since the Pontiff's April Fool's Death on Friday, lined up to pay their respects at the Apostolic Palace in the Vatican. Despite having been mostly dead for the better part of a decade, the passing of John Paul II deeply saddened many of the world's Catholics and non-Catholics alike.

"He was the kindest, sweetest most moral man I never met in real life," said local Catholic Mary O'Callahan. "His vestments were always so white," agreed fellow Church-goer Rita Angelelli. "I keep hoping it's some kind of sick joke. Again, I mean."

Around the world the Pope was remembered as a moral and compassionate man. His stances on the inherent evil of women, the sinfulness of sex and sexual knowledge and the depravity of homosexuals, as well as his fetishization of life no matter how minimal the quality was hailed around the world as "forward-thinking" and "visionary." John Paul II has also been widely credited with helping bring down communism, ending world hunger, and inventing the light bulb.

As of this writing, the Pope had not Risen, but the College of Cardinals remains hopeful.

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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

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