TOP STORY
* Remember When We Had A Cool President?
Boston--The Democratic National Convention kicks off today with a double-team of speakers that recall a better time in American politics--when politicians were both educated and charismatic. Bill and Hillary Clinton will take the stage in Boston today, hoping to inspire Democrats and undecideds to go out and vote for John Kerry, the ham sandwich of choice of the Democratic Party.
The former President and the Senator will have difficult tasks in trying to give speeches that don't cause mass insomnia, but at the same time are not so memorable that people remember what it was like when Democrats had charm and the vestigial remnants of backbones. Zombie/Senator Kerry, at a fundraiser in Zanesville, Ohio, said that he was not concerned about being overshadowed by the Clintons, and that he was looking forward to giving his acceptance speech, which he promised would be more interesting than brains day at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Certain Democratic boosters were less certain of Kerry's ability to win over an audience--especially one the size that will be watching this week--but were encouraged that "at least it isn't Lieberman."
IN OTHER NEWS
* Jesus Christ Seen Riding Bicycle in France
* World's Biggest Dork Convention Meets in San Diego
* Hemingway Look-Alike Contest Causes Run On Shotguns in Florida
* Boston Police Excited For Beatings This Week
* Bush: I'm Totally Going To Make Reforms to Help Prevent Terrorism; No Really, Trust Me
* Satellite to Go to Mercury For No Apparent Reason
* Goat Looks Better In Costume Than Child
* Bangladesh Under Water AGAIN
* Two Months Later, Iraq Still Fucked
* French Question Viability of Five Hour Workweek
* Israelis Line Up To Protest Peace
* Morocco: What Terrorists?
* Earthquakes Strikes, Possibly Obliterates Indonesia; No One Much Cares
* North Korea Still Paranoid About Pretty Much Everything
* Metro Hopes Not to Suck Quite So Bad This Winter
* Blew It On The SmarTrip Shortage, Though: Thanks For The Fare Hike!
* Two Local Children Killed When Stupid-Ass Parents Allow Them to Drive ATVs
* Bush: Armstrong "You're Awesome, Please Vote For Me"
* Baseball Hall of Fame Admits Ugly People; Randy Johnson Heartened
* Democratic Convention Promises Balloons, Balloons, Balloons
* Joaquin Phoenix's Eyes Unnaturally Pretty
* "Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith" Not About Leia's Quest To Cure Lisp, Lucas Reveals
* B-52s Still Singing "Love Shack"
* Ashlee Simpson Has Brain! No, Really
* "Catwoman" Totally Sucks To No One's Surprise
* Gayest Gay Thing That Ever Gayed a Gay Set To Debut On Cable in 2005
* Kirstie Alley Is Big And Fat! HA HA HA
* Carol Channing's Tony, Emmy, Golden Globe Stolen; Everyone Kind of Surprised She Noticed
* J. K. Rowling Pregnant; Better Not Delay Release of Book Six
FUNNY PAGE
* Dogs sure are gross! With hilarious results.