* George Bush Has Shitty Day
Washington--George Bush had the shittiest day in recent memory yesterday, the White House reported. Confronted with news of legal gay weddings, the assassination of one of his pet quislings in Iraq, and slipping poll numbers, the President locked himself in his bedroom and had a good cry before ordering pizza and ice cream for dinner.
Even as dozens of gay couples lined up in Massachusetts churches and courthouses to have full legal marital equality bestowed on them, offending the President's delicate eyes and ears, a suicide bomber detonated a device, killing the head of the Iraqi Governing Council Izzadine Saleem, aka Abdel-Zahraa Othman, aka Tariq al-Hamid, aka David Leisure, whom we had all thought dead already. The bomb killed eight others and also lightly singed the eyebrows of two U.S. soldiers.
According to the White House Press Release, "despite the unprecedented alteration in the immutable and timeless definition of marriage, and the violent repudiation of his Iraqi policy both here and abroad, the President remains committed to the process of forcing his Christianity on everyone." Bush's rival for the presidency, brain-eating zombie John Kerry, could not be reached for comment, as he has apparently fallen off the face of the Earth.
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* Man mangles common saying! With hilarious results.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* White Confederate: SAJAK
* Pitcher Projections: LIPS