IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS

TOP STORY

* George Bush Has Shitty Day

Washington--George Bush had the shittiest day in recent memory yesterday, the White House reported. Confronted with news of legal gay weddings, the assassination of one of his pet quislings in Iraq, and slipping poll numbers, the President locked himself in his bedroom and had a good cry before ordering pizza and ice cream for dinner.

Even as dozens of gay couples lined up in Massachusetts churches and courthouses to have full legal marital equality bestowed on them, offending the President's delicate eyes and ears, a suicide bomber detonated a device, killing the head of the Iraqi Governing Council Izzadine Saleem, aka Abdel-Zahraa Othman, aka Tariq al-Hamid, aka David Leisure, whom we had all thought dead already. The bomb killed eight others and also lightly singed the eyebrows of two U.S. soldiers.

According to the White House Press Release, "despite the unprecedented alteration in the immutable and timeless definition of marriage, and the violent repudiation of his Iraqi policy both here and abroad, the President remains committed to the process of forcing his Christianity on everyone." Bush's rival for the presidency, brain-eating zombie John Kerry, could not be reached for comment, as he has apparently fallen off the face of the Earth.

IN OTHER NEWS

* Man Lubes Self Up Real Good

* Annual Bay-To-Breakers Brings Out Freaks With Running Shoes

* Did We Mention Gays Getting Hitched?

* And No Brimstone?

* Powell Promises America, In Policy Reversal, Will "Do Right Thing"

* New Yorkers Blamed For 9/11; Also Probably Have WMD

* Activist Court Grants Rights To Cripples, Too; Will It Never End?

* Deaf, Dumb And Blind Kid In Miracle Cure

* WMD FOUND IN IRAQ!!!! Maybe

* French Five-Hour Work Week Assailed

* Indian Economy Heads For Toilet, Too

* UN: Eat Your Genetically Engineered Vegetables And Like Them

* Third Evil Satan Deathfish Found

* DC School Superintendent Candidate Passes On Impossible, Thankless Job

* EXCLUSIVE: Washington Post Buys Other Paper! Go Us

* Jobs of Entire Population of Rhode Island To Be Outsourced By 2006

* Don't Eat Your Nail Polish

* Basketball Season Also Not Over Yet

* Nenad Zimonjic Beats, Proposes To Agassi At Irrelevant Tennis Tourney

* Talentless Hack Blamed On Hawai'i

* Morrissey Still Alive, Much To Everyone's Shock

* Remember When Movies Were Good?

* Raymond, We'd Love You More If You Went Away

* Geeks Geek Out At Video Game Convention

* Pierce Brosnan Looks Like Hell

* Fresh Breath Critical To Marriage, Singing, Jessica Simpson Reveals

* Pain In Celine's Neck Relieves Ours

FUNNY PAGE

* Man mangles common saying! With hilarious results.

CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT

* White Confederate: SAJAK

* Pitcher Projections: LIPS