IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS
* Rice: Osama Bin Laden A Werewolf!
Washington--Under intense questioning from the Congressional Commission appointed to investigate the intelligence failures that led up to the attacks of 9/11, which you must have forgotten about, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice revealed perhaps the most shocking information to date: Osama bin Laden is a werewolf!
"Clearly we could not have anticipated his inhuman powers and the preternatural cleverness that goes along with them," Rice testified. "His abilities to prowl the night and eat babies and kill heroes could never have been expected."
The hearings turned contentious when Rice was confronted with a White House memo, dated 6 August 2001, from Richard Clarke entitled "Osama bin Laden Plans to Fly Airplanes Into Major U.S. Landmarks and Destroy Life As We Know It And The Blame Iraq." Former Senator Bob Kerrey demanded to know how, in the face of such evidence, the attacks could not have been anticipated. Rice, however, dismissed the report as "historical nonsense even more facile than my Ph.D."
"The fact remains," she continued, "that there was no 'silver bullet' in the U.S. arsenal that could have prevented the attacks, which even the Administration has forgotten about. Rest assured that we are working on one, however."
A spokesman for the Coors Brewing Company could not be reached for comment.
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CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Lethal Pun: TO KILL A CIRCUS IN ONE BLOW GO FOR THE JUGGLER