IN TODAY'S WASHINGTON POST EXPRESS
* 10 American Heroes Tragically Die Defending Democracy
Najaf, Iraq--At least ten U.S. fighters for freedom and truth, as well as some other small number of foreign soldiers, like maybe three, were killed in widespread unrest around Iraq over the weekend. At least another 24 heroic defenders of democracy and right were wounded. The total number of Americans who have now died since President Bush declared the major fighting over in Iraq more than eleven months ago has topped some incredibly small number that you don't need to worry about.
Their heinous murders were perpetrated at the hands of the villainous minions of the shadowy and probably evil anti-American cleric Muqtada al-Sadr. The killing occurred in several incidents across four cities and one unsettled region, where American hammers of justice bravely shot at and ran away from dirty raghead guerrillas who displayed a distinct lack of gratitude for their liberation from the most evil man ever to have lived in the history of the entire universe except for maybe Satan who is, according to a White House memo, real and named John Kerry.
Oh, also some Iraqis died, or something.
IN OTHER NEWS
* College Students Snowboard To Save Environment, Somehow
* New General MacArthur Doll "Way Less Gay" Than Ken
* Ohio Officials More Incensed Over Fake Suicide Scene Than Real Suicides
* Ready Or Not, U.S. Giving Up On Iraq on 30 June
* Children Who Watch TV Have Short Atte--Want To Ride Bikes?
* Fairleigh Dickinson Fairly Fucked
* 9/11 Panel To Ask Questions, Get Answers
* Thousands of Credit Cards "Accidentally" Overcharged; It's Your Fault If You Don't Notice, Though
* Pretty White Girl Who Was Never In Any Danger Found Safe And Sound Thank God
* Anti-U.S. Iraqi Cleric Popular Despite Poor Public Speaking Skills, Anti-U.S. Stance
* Slovenia: We Can Be Racist, Too!
* Spain Fights Terrorism Without Invading Uninvolved Countries
* Local Transit Systems Fight Terrorism Without Invading Uninvolved Countries
* Basketball Games Won, Lost
* Local Teams Keep Losing
* Disney Aims To Get Kids Early
* Kurt Cobain Deep, Haunting, Soulful, Still Dead
* Peter Jennings All Finding Jesus
* Entire Osbourne Family High Every Single Second Of Every Day
* Minor Celebrity Is Just So Damn Pretty!
* Store owner makes predictable, hackneyed pun! With hilarious results.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE REPORT
* Shark's Offer: LOAN
* Presidential Run: TERM
* Court Defense: ZONE