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Date:2006-02-21 11:23
Subject:In Today's Washington Post Express!


* Republican Governors Admit: "We Are Complete Racists"

Washington, DC--Governors George Pataki of New York and Robert Ehrlich of Maryland admitted yesterday that they are huge racists. At a special press conference in Washington, the two governors held hands and chanted "Ragheads go home!" for five minutes to a stunned but moderately receptive press corps.

Their admission comes as a reaction to the news that operations at several major U.S. Ports--including those of Baltimore and New York--will be turned over to a firm owned by the government of the United Arab Emirates, a dirty filthy raghead country lousy with oil money. "We are astounded," said Ehrlich, "that an Administration jam-packed with fellow Republicans and xenophobes would allow filthy sand niggers to be in charge of anything in the whole country ever. Since all Arabs are all exactly the same and they are all Muslim and they all want to destroy America, we are now asking to be attacked! And terrorized! TERROR!!!" Ehrlich is running for re-election in 2006.

The normally hyper-reactionary Bush Administration was uncharacteristically sanguine. "We're sure that someone is taking the proper precautions, or something. Frankly we're not really paying that much attention, what with the Middle East just generally going to hell," said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. "Besides, it's not like we don't have their phones tapped, anyway."


* Americans Excel at Gay-Ass Sport

* Stanford Student Arrested for Being Tree Under the Influence

* Malaysian Minister of Public Works Totally Popular

* Bush Laments U.S. Oil Dependency, "And I Know From Addiction," He Adds

* U.S. Whines About Trade to China; China Laughs

* Louisiana Governor Unveils Reconstruction Plans a Mere Six Months After Katrina

* Dark Foreign People Die in Landslides, Mines, of Flu, Various Other Things

* Austria Really Serious About Holocaust Deniers

* Democracy, Freedom Flourish in Iraq Under Direction of U.S. Envoy

* Virginia: Even Our Democrats Hate Gays!

* Gas Prices Slightly Less Rapacious This Month

* Olympic CURLING!!! And Some Other Sports, Too

* Colonials Remain Most Overrated Team in NCAA

* Total Douchebag Wins Daytona 500

* Ads, Ads, Ads

* Soy Somehow Sexy

* Lace, Too, For More Obvious Reasons

* Bloggers Largely Ignorant, Stupid

* Lisa Marie Presley Marries Not A Creepy Pedophile

* K-Fed Maintains Delusions of Talent


* Wow, We're Up to FIVE Unfunny Comics Now! With Hilarious Results.

20 comments | post a comment

Date:2005-04-20 11:52


* New Pope Walks, Talks, Is Almost Human

Vatican City--The world was introduced to Pope Benedict XVI on Tuesday, when he walked under his own power out onto a balcony of St. Peter's Cathedral and addressed the crowd with speech that was entirely intelligible. "My brothers and sisters," the new holy father clearly enunciated, "I am humbled to have been chosen to the highest position my religion has to offer. I just love these new raiments! Yay Jesus."

Formerly the Archbishop of Munich, Cardinal Jospeh Ratzinger was the overwhelming conservative choice for Pope. A one-time Hitler Youth and German anti-aircraft gunner, Ratzinger later served as the head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, more commonly known as the Inquisition. He also continually warned the faithful about the dangers of heretical beliefs such as Marxism, atheism, relativism, liberalism, patriotism, pan-slavism, progressivism, heliocentrism, homosexualism, hispanicism and fun. While it is not known if Ratzinger was personally responsible for the torture of any Jews, gays or darkies, his election does dash the hopes of many Catholics around the world who had hoped that the new Pope would have a soul.

As of press time, the walking talking Pope was still not dead.


* Monkey Is Best Cop in Mesa, Ariz.

* Brazilian Sand Pope More Lively Than John Paul II

* Republican Asshole Fails to Win Speedy Confirmation from Republican Senate, He's Such An Asshole

* Oklahoma City Remembers When Terrorists Were White

* Government Changes Food Pyramid to Combat Obesity; Attempts to Bail Out Titanic With Teaspoon

* Bush Desecrated Lincoln's Legacy With Presence At Presidential Library Opening

* Religious Intolerance Allegations At Air Force Academy Shock No One At All Ever, Not Even Dead People

* How's Iraq Today? You Have One Guess

* Chinese Children Are Freaks

* Italy Way Behind on Government Turnover; PM Calls for COnfidence Vote

* GM Loses More Money In Three Months Than You Will See In You Entire Life

* Remember Surge Cola? Neither Do We

* Investigators Seek Causes of Terror Trash Truck

* Senate Curious How NFL Keeps Functioning Without Steroids; Mulls Possible Baseball Applications

* Redskins To Do Something! It Should Be Awesome

* Everything Sucks for 49ers, Fans

* Four Year Old Applies to NBA Draft; Hawks "Very Interested"

* James Dean Still Dead, Lenny Kravitz Still Not; Truly There Is No Justice

* Matchbox Twenty Singer Gayer Now Than Ever

* It's a Sedan! It's a Coupe! You Can't Afford It Anyway!

* New Escalade Even MORE Over The Top, If You Can Believe

* Sting Constipates University Music Class

* Arquettes Will SUE Your Ass


* Man is tasteless! With hilarious results


* 1971: Pre-Scalia Supreme Court Reaffirms Anti-Segregation Stance

* 1889: Mass-Murdering Fuckhead Hitler Born, Not That Anyone Will Mention It

19 comments | post a comment

Date:2005-04-13 10:34


* Terrifying Terror Plot Foiled

Washington--Three men with Arab-sounding names were indicted on charges of Terror!, conspiracy to commit Terror! and conspiracy to use a weapon of mass destruction to kill people in an act of Terror! on Tuesday. The Grand jury returned the indictment on 23 March, but it was only unsealed yesterday, so as not to get lost in DeathWatch 2005 for Terry Schiavo and Pope John Paul II (who are both still dead).

The three men, who are in British custody, are accused of having visited New York and touring the financial district with the intent of surveillance for future plotting of a possible attack on the New York Stock Exchange and the surrounding neighborhoods back in August 2000 and April 2001. Information about these nefarious visits caused the Department of Homeland Security to raise the Terror! alert level to "Orange," or "Holy Shit!", last summer, annoying everyone.

"The arrest of these evil-looking men by British authorities four years after their activities shows the terrorists that the arms of American justice are swift," said Deputy Attorney General James Comey at press conference at the Department of Justice. "With such vigilance, we will certainly avoid another 9/11, which everyone had clearly forgotten about."

If convicted, the men, one of whom is al Qaeda's Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Casual Shoe Procurement, could get life sentences.


* Your Identity Stolen

* Creepy Toy Robot Wants To Know What You're Doing, Dave

* Chinese 8-Year Old Uses "Dexterous," "Versatile" Correctly; Express Readers Reach for Dictionaries

* Fake Tits To Remain Saline-Filled

* Actual Headline: "Man Killed By Wife's Lover Living In Closet"

* Incompetent, Dangerous Party Hack Almost Certain to Become New Intel Chief

* Incompetent, Dangerous Party Hack Almost Certain to Replace Him at U.N.

* Twinkie Turns 75; Is Still Edible

* Iraq Still Fucked, If You Care

* Putin Delays Making Self Tsar For Life Until At Least 2012

* Department of Irony: China Upset With Japan Over WWII-Era Human Rights Abuses

* National Guard Pledges $6M to Rename RFK; Unarmored Troops in Iraq Told to "Suck It Up"

* Trade Deficit At All-Time High Despite Weak-Ass Dollar: Thanks, Bush Economy!


* Local Sports Teams Still Suck

* Mike Tyson Comeback Set For June; Opponent To Wear Earmuffs

* British Music Still Way Better Than American Music

* Video Games Bloody, Violent, Predictable

* Devil To Spawn

* Michael Jackson Photo Worth A Thousand Laughs

* Suzanne Somers Proves Anyone Can Have a One-Man Show on Broadway

* MEDIA ALERT: J-Lo Mildly Perturbed By Traffic


* Man has short attention span! With hilarious results.


* 1970: "Houston, We Have a Problem" First Uttered; Initially Not Considered Funny

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2005-04-04 11:51



Vatican City--In a stunning turn of events, Pope John Paul II remains totally dead. Mourners, many of whom have been keeping vigil since the Pontiff's April Fool's Death on Friday, lined up to pay their respects at the Apostolic Palace in the Vatican. Despite having been mostly dead for the better part of a decade, the passing of John Paul II deeply saddened many of the world's Catholics and non-Catholics alike.

"He was the kindest, sweetest most moral man I never met in real life," said local Catholic Mary O'Callahan. "His vestments were always so white," agreed fellow Church-goer Rita Angelelli. "I keep hoping it's some kind of sick joke. Again, I mean."

Around the world the Pope was remembered as a moral and compassionate man. His stances on the inherent evil of women, the sinfulness of sex and sexual knowledge and the depravity of homosexuals, as well as his fetishization of life no matter how minimal the quality was hailed around the world as "forward-thinking" and "visionary." John Paul II has also been widely credited with helping bring down communism, ending world hunger, and inventing the light bulb.

As of this writing, the Pope had not Risen, but the College of Cardinals remains hopeful.


* Indian Officials Annoy Evaders Into Paying Taxes

* Cavers Build Pyramids From Beer Crates In Belarus; We Assume In Some Universe This Makes Sense

* Stupid Record Broken

* Pope Still Still Dead; Leaves Nothing To Molested Children in Will

* Arizona Militia Members Find Socially Acceptable Outlet for Xenophobia

* Native American School Shooting More Complex, More Tragic, Less Visible Than Columbine

* Your Child Having Oral Sex Right Now

* Especially If S/he Has Taken Abstinence Vow

* Republican Lackeys Support Same In Appointment to UN Post

* Iraqi Government Deadlocked Over President; Democracy Truly Taking Hold

* World Shocked as Ruling Dictator Wins in "Free" Election

* Pope Still Still Still Dead, Area Catholic Realize

* New Software Allows You To Find Files on Your Own Computer; Next Version May Help You Find Keys


* College Basketball Season Inexplicably Still Not Over

* Period Omitted

* Andie MacDowell: "Is The Pope Dead? I Hadn't Noticed"

* There Are, Apparently, Things You NEED To Know About Mork & Mindy

* Fast Food Joints Seek To Create Ultimate Food Porn

* Neil Young Has Aneurysm; No One Can Tell Difference

* Bob Marley, Still Dead for 24 Years, Declined BBC Interview

* Hulk Hogan Remembers Glory Days of Professional Wrestling, Whenever Those Were


* 1968: Uppity Rights-Demanding Negro Assassinated

* 1850: Pit of Hell, California, Second Largest City in Nation, Incorporates


* Mindless destruction! With hilarious results.

17 comments | post a comment

Date:2005-03-30 12:19


* This Story Not About Terri Schiavo

Pinellas Park, Fla.--In a shocking turn of events today, the world's media outlets have decided to run stories not related to the continuing Terri Schiavo saga on their front pages. It has now been twelve days since the feeding tube was removed from the terminal vegetable and unwitting cause celebre, and symbol, of the radical Christian Right. Her condition continues to deteriorate, making it ever-harder for her deluded parents, Bob and Mary Schindler, to fool themselves into thinking she is capable of recovery. Nevertheless the Schindlers and their supporters vowed to keep fighting to keep Schiavo alive against what are, as far as anyone can tell, her own wishes.

"Now is the time for the government to act," Mary Schindler said in a prepared statement. "I can't believe that the rule of law and due process would be allowed to prevail when my pretty white daughter's life is on the line!" Asked if she believed that Terri would have wanted to die in this situation, Schindler replied, "I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted to starve to death. She was bulimic, not anorexic."

Other supporters suggested that Florida Governor Jeb Bush should call out the national guard and invade the hospice where Schiavo is being kept, and use force of arms to reinsert the feeding tube. Bush could not be reached for comment, but has previously said that he doesn't want to do anything that might get him impeached.

Though Terri Schiavo is still not dead, the AP is reporting that other news is happening elsewhere in the world. Something in Iraq maybe? Who knows.


* Uppity Negro Dead

* Fargo, ND Trying to Be All Cool

* Express Editors Geekier Than Willing to Admit to Selves

* Some Indian School Shooting Drama Or Something

* Different Uppity Negro All Up In Schiavo's Shit

* TRIAL OF THE MILLENNIUM!!! Only Page Three News

* Kids Fatter, Less Criminal Than 30 Years Ago

* Women Are People, Too, High Court Decides

* Scouting Official Arrested for Kiddie Porn; Thank Heaven Scouts Safe From Godless HomoFags, At Least

* Yet Another Uppity Negro Not Resigning Despite Doing Nothing Wrong

* Earthquake Doesn't Cause Tsunami; No One Cares

* Blockbuster to Refund Late Fees That Don't Exist Anymore

* Pretty White Girl Still Dead

* Bigot and Zealot Jerry Falwell Nears Death; God Reportedly "Pleased"

* Local Sports Team Swears It's Pretty Good


* Boring Car Stays That Way

* Movie With Sassy Black Women Not At All Stereotypical

* Backstreet's Back: Who Cares?!

* NBC Swears It's Not Dead Yet


* Pinchot to Do Happy Dance On TV Again

* Japanese PM Koizumi and Richard Gere To Wed

* Olsen Twins Take Shit


* A dog and a toilet--it writes its own joke! With hilarious results.

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Date:2004-11-03 08:03
Subject:Not In Today's Washington Post Express

Regretfully, due to an overwhelming workload, the Editor has not (as you have probably noticed) been able to provide any Roundups, and likely will not for the forseeable future.

He had hoped to give the Roundup a send-off on a high note, but it appears that the long dark tea time of the soul has been extended for another four years. So it goes.

Satire is dead. Long live satire!

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Date:2004-07-26 10:07


* Remember When We Had A Cool President?

Boston--The Democratic National Convention kicks off today with a double-team of speakers that recall a better time in American politics--when politicians were both educated and charismatic. Bill and Hillary Clinton will take the stage in Boston today, hoping to inspire Democrats and undecideds to go out and vote for John Kerry, the ham sandwich of choice of the Democratic Party.

The former President and the Senator will have difficult tasks in trying to give speeches that don't cause mass insomnia, but at the same time are not so memorable that people remember what it was like when Democrats had charm and the vestigial remnants of backbones. Zombie/Senator Kerry, at a fundraiser in Zanesville, Ohio, said that he was not concerned about being overshadowed by the Clintons, and that he was looking forward to giving his acceptance speech, which he promised would be more interesting than brains day at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Certain Democratic boosters were less certain of Kerry's ability to win over an audience--especially one the size that will be watching this week--but were encouraged that "at least it isn't Lieberman."


* Jesus Christ Seen Riding Bicycle in France

* World's Biggest Dork Convention Meets in San Diego

* Hemingway Look-Alike Contest Causes Run On Shotguns in Florida

* Boston Police Excited For Beatings This Week

* Bush: I'm Totally Going To Make Reforms to Help Prevent Terrorism; No Really, Trust Me

* Satellite to Go to Mercury For No Apparent Reason

* Goat Looks Better In Costume Than Child

* Bangladesh Under Water AGAIN

* Two Months Later, Iraq Still Fucked

* French Question Viability of Five Hour Workweek

* Israelis Line Up To Protest Peace

* Morocco: What Terrorists?

* Earthquakes Strikes, Possibly Obliterates Indonesia; No One Much Cares

* North Korea Still Paranoid About Pretty Much Everything

* Metro Hopes Not to Suck Quite So Bad This Winter

* Blew It On The SmarTrip Shortage, Though: Thanks For The Fare Hike!

* Two Local Children Killed When Stupid-Ass Parents Allow Them to Drive ATVs

* Bush: Armstrong "You're Awesome, Please Vote For Me"

* Baseball Hall of Fame Admits Ugly People; Randy Johnson Heartened

* Democratic Convention Promises Balloons, Balloons, Balloons

* Joaquin Phoenix's Eyes Unnaturally Pretty

* "Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith" Not About Leia's Quest To Cure Lisp, Lucas Reveals

* B-52s Still Singing "Love Shack"

* Ashlee Simpson Has Brain! No, Really

* "Catwoman" Totally Sucks To No One's Surprise

* Gayest Gay Thing That Ever Gayed a Gay Set To Debut On Cable in 2005

* Kirstie Alley Is Big And Fat! HA HA HA

* Carol Channing's Tony, Emmy, Golden Globe Stolen; Everyone Kind of Surprised She Noticed

* J. K. Rowling Pregnant; Better Not Delay Release of Book Six


* Dogs sure are gross! With hilarious results.

20 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-05-20 13:38


* First Scapegoat Takes Fall For Administration

Baghdad--Specialist Jeremy C. Sivits was convicted of aggravated order-taking at his court martial yesterday, becoming the first hapless victim of the Administration's attempts to contain the Iraqi prison abuse scandal to the lower ranks. Sivits wept openly and melodramatically threw himself at the feet of the military judges begging for mercy before being given the maximum penalty for prisoner torture: a slap on the wrist, a stern talking-to, and a one-way ticket back to the States.

Sivits's testimony will now be used against three other defendants who similarly have been charged with mistreating American playthings without direct supervision. The courts martial will likely take about five minutes each as the Bush Administration tries to defuse the international anger that for some reason was aroused by the pictures of naked Iraqis being electrocuted, whipped, beaten, drowned, sliced, diced, sauteed in light cream sauce, and forced to copulate.

Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez, testifying before the Senate Armed Services committee, said that he would personally investigate the extent of the abuse, all the way up the chain of command, including himself. Republicans on the committee lauded the General for his willingness to fall on his sword for the sake of the President.


* Bear Cub Assumes Alaskan Sunbather Is Insane, Or Else Lunch

* Dumbass Nearly Dies After Drinking Unidentified Chemical; Fucking Texas

* Rudy Giuliani Admits To Flying Hijacked Plane Into South Tower

* Iraq To Get More Fucked, Generals Predict

* Oklahoma Forced To Allow Other Religions

* American Cannon Fodder Still Lining Up In Droves

* U.S. Disputes Attack On Wedding Party; Calls It "Terror Celebration"

* More Arabs Blown Up, Shot, Bludgeoned

* India Gets First Non-Gandhi Prime Minister Since 1539

* Terror Cornstarch Interrupts Blair Speech

* New Local Airline To Risk Bankruptcy

* Trivia On Potato Chips What A Great Idea

* Bands Come For Music Festival; Will Likely Play Music

* Irish Band Convinced They're The Beach Boys

* Jars Of Clay Still Around For Some Reason

* The Misfits, Too


* Ugliest Man In Professional Sport Throws Perfect Game

* All North Chicago Mourns As Sosa Sneezes Himself Onto DL

* Bill Cosby Lacks Even Rudimentary Fashion Sense

* Bo Derek: American Horses Too Good For European Dinners

* Brad Pitt Expects To Be Pretty Four More Years


* Man is incompetent loser! With hilarious results.


* Sweet Sandwich: OREO

10 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-05-19 16:43



New York Deserved 9/11, Which They Have Forgotten About

Panel Calls Police, Firefighters "Boobs," "Ninnies"
Explores Invasion Scenarios


* No More Napkins For You, Asshole

* Woman's Head Eaten By High Fashion

* New Omelet More Expensive Than Treatment For Heart Attack It Will Cause

* 9/11 Still An Event In History That Happened

* Mass. Governor Romney Still Hates Fags

* Paul Wolfowitz Least Photogenic Deputy Defense Secretary Ever

* American Troops In Iraq Until Approximately Doomsday

* Kerry Found Still Alive; Complains About Gas Prices

* Iraqis Advocate Death Penalty for Abusive Soldiers; Also Americans, Britons, Kurds

* Voices Tell Gandhi To Decline Indian PMship

* Nigeria, Palestine Still Fucked

* African Americans Don't Like Having Boobs Squished

* Alan Greenspan Worse Than That Damn Energizer Bunny

* Latest SUV Cute, Small, Fun; Still A Fucking SUV

* Toyota Aims For Under-10 Driver Market

* Adults Like To Throw Shit At Each Other

* Despite 9/11 Blunder, NY May Host Olympics

* Shrek 2 Doesn't Suck Balls

* But Lenny Kravitz Does

* Michael Moore Doing What Michael Moore Does

* Tony Randall Still Dead

* After Tonight, So Is Buffyverse

* Tom Hanks Calls Self Talentless Hack

* Luke Perry Ushers Bravely During London Theater Tragedy

* Alanis Morissette Still Freaky


* What the fuck? With hilarious results.


* Delineates: LIMNS

* Elbow Benders: SOTS

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Date:2004-05-18 11:56


* George Bush Has Shitty Day

Washington--George Bush had the shittiest day in recent memory yesterday, the White House reported. Confronted with news of legal gay weddings, the assassination of one of his pet quislings in Iraq, and slipping poll numbers, the President locked himself in his bedroom and had a good cry before ordering pizza and ice cream for dinner.

Even as dozens of gay couples lined up in Massachusetts churches and courthouses to have full legal marital equality bestowed on them, offending the President's delicate eyes and ears, a suicide bomber detonated a device, killing the head of the Iraqi Governing Council Izzadine Saleem, aka Abdel-Zahraa Othman, aka Tariq al-Hamid, aka David Leisure, whom we had all thought dead already. The bomb killed eight others and also lightly singed the eyebrows of two U.S. soldiers.

According to the White House Press Release, "despite the unprecedented alteration in the immutable and timeless definition of marriage, and the violent repudiation of his Iraqi policy both here and abroad, the President remains committed to the process of forcing his Christianity on everyone." Bush's rival for the presidency, brain-eating zombie John Kerry, could not be reached for comment, as he has apparently fallen off the face of the Earth.


* Man Lubes Self Up Real Good

* Annual Bay-To-Breakers Brings Out Freaks With Running Shoes

* Did We Mention Gays Getting Hitched?

* And No Brimstone?

* Powell Promises America, In Policy Reversal, Will "Do Right Thing"

* New Yorkers Blamed For 9/11; Also Probably Have WMD

* Activist Court Grants Rights To Cripples, Too; Will It Never End?

* Deaf, Dumb And Blind Kid In Miracle Cure


* French Five-Hour Work Week Assailed

* Indian Economy Heads For Toilet, Too

* UN: Eat Your Genetically Engineered Vegetables And Like Them

* Third Evil Satan Deathfish Found

* DC School Superintendent Candidate Passes On Impossible, Thankless Job

* EXCLUSIVE: Washington Post Buys Other Paper! Go Us

* Jobs of Entire Population of Rhode Island To Be Outsourced By 2006

* Don't Eat Your Nail Polish

* Basketball Season Also Not Over Yet

* Nenad Zimonjic Beats, Proposes To Agassi At Irrelevant Tennis Tourney

* Talentless Hack Blamed On Hawai'i

* Morrissey Still Alive, Much To Everyone's Shock

* Remember When Movies Were Good?

* Raymond, We'd Love You More If You Went Away

* Geeks Geek Out At Video Game Convention

* Pierce Brosnan Looks Like Hell

* Fresh Breath Critical To Marriage, Singing, Jessica Simpson Reveals

* Pain In Celine's Neck Relieves Ours


* Man mangles common saying! With hilarious results.


* White Confederate: SAJAK

* Pitcher Projections: LIPS

6 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-05-17 13:13


* World Survives Gay Marriages; Other Civil Rights

Boston--Millions of Religious Anti-Rights activists were stunned this morning when the world did not end. Gay couples from across Massachusetts lined up today in Cambridge and other towns across the state to be wed in the first full, legal civil ceremonies that grant civil rights that don't have anything to do with religion. Pro-rights activists cheered as the first couples marched down the figurative aisle, making the United States only the fourth country to recognize full gay marriage. Even if only a little bit.

The Anti-Rights activists were more subdued and expressed shame and disgust. "I'm really pissed at God for the lack of brimstone," said Phyllicia Mulgrew, President of Rights For Me Only, a local religious organization. "Not even a good smiting. It's like He doesn't care that people who are different from me will be treated the same. It's unchristian!" Phyllicia and others like her are now pinning their hopes on using mob hysteria to undermine the Constitution and pass a federal marriage amendment, which would deny rights to American citizens.

The historic granting of rights to formerly second-class citizen falls coincidentally on the same day, fifty years later, that the Supreme Court handed down its decision in Brown vs. Board of Education, which desegregated public schools and also did not cause the world to end. While Rights For Me Only has no plans to protest this historic decision, Mulgrew confirms that "it's still on our radar."


* Everyone Except Bush To Blame for Prisoner Abuse

* Cicada Sex Blinds Editor

* Fuckbunnies Tell Time

* Italian Police Car Sexier Than, Well, Sex

* Infamous Ohio Kissing Harlot Finally Inducted Into National Honors Society

* Man Lives American Dream, Assaults Verizon Employees

* Cute Homos, Camp Out, Eat Cake

* Brimstone Accidentally Delivered to Florida Cruise Ship

* Blacks Celebrate Rights-Having; Still Waiting on Equality Thing

* It's Been A While, How Is Iraq Today? Still Fucked

* Powell Demands More Outrage From Arabs Over Berg Beheading; Arabs Chuckle At Cute Frat Hazing Ritual

* Newly Canonized Saint Performed Miracle of Dying

* Also Fucked: Afghanistan, Palestine; World Not Shocked

* India To Get 187th Gandhi As Prime Minister


* Metro Advice For Avoiding Transportation Snafus: Stay Home

* Jon Stewart HEIL!s William & Mary Graduates

* Your Dream Job: Mailman!

* Horsies Do Cute Little Racing Thing

* Hockey Season Still Not Over

* Cutehead Pretty Boy Also Acts! Not That We Care

* P Diddy's Fifteen Minutes Not Up Yet

* Kerry Daughter Had Breasts; World Scandalized

* Lakers Fans Demand Piscine President

* Unknown, Unimportant Christian Rocker Calls Britney A Slut

* Ohio Democrats In Sad, Sad State


* Man is cheap! With hilarious results.

20 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-04-23 11:03



Seoul, South Korea--A fiery explosion created when two full fuel trains collided destroyed a North Korean railroad station, spreading debris over a ten mile radius, and killed somewhere between 0 and 3,000 people, according to North Korean News Services. Though international phone lines and information sources were cut off to prevent news of the explosion getting to the outside world, because as every knows nothing bad has ever happened in North Korea, government spokespeople were quick to blame North Korean terrorists, whose goal is to spread terror and havoc and terror.

"These scoundrels, who were certainly not in the employ of the People's Government, will be apprehended and honor--I mean, dealt with accordingly," said a spokesman for North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il, widely recognized as the inventor of outer space.

Reacting quickly to the tragedy, the North Korean government passed a security bill, called Patriot Act IX, which removed the last civil rights enjoyed by North Koreans: the right to walk without a permit, and the right to sing any song not written by Kim. "In this way, we will encourage the spirit of the Korean people to flourish in socialist brotherhood," explained the spokesperson. "Since we don't have any firefighting or emergency equipment of any kind, these restrictions will keep panic from rising until the fires burn themselves out."

North Korea, which had been reeling from bad PR due to its unwillingness to give up its nuclear program despite constant bribes from overly-credulous foreigners and the starving populace, was flooded with sympathy cards from world leaders, which should be delivered by the State Postal Service sometime in 2007. Hoping to capitalize in this goodwill, the government announced plans to invade the completely uninvolved Sultanate of Brunei, unless that rogue nation gives up all of its time-travel devices and nuclear space lasers.

The Sultan of Brunei, holed up in his state-of-the-art Bunker of Non-Involvement, could not be reached for comment.


* Soldier Actually Returns From Iraq

* Your Crappy Commute Soon To Be More Expensive!

* British Phone Booths Take Nap

* German Postal Worker Down Wit' OPP

* Terror Goose Makes Monkey Of Man

* "Math Is Hard," Say Math Experts; Barbie Vindicated

* Daughter Of Senator "So Bored" On Take Your Child To Work Day

* You're Still Not Safe From Another 9/11! Which Was Neither Foreseeable Nor Preventable

* Oh, Man, Does USA Today Suck

* Congress Morbid, But Prepared, For Once

* US Forces Commence "Operation Stern Warning" In Fallujah

* Iraqi Coalition To Rehire Baathists; "Mass-Murderers Had Right Idea"

* SARS Was Just Resting, But It's Back Now

* Edgy Arafat Models New Head Scarf


* So Is Lenin

* Water Report: You Still Have Lead Poisoning

* Report: Stay Home Sick More Often

* Ginsburg, Stevens Ditch Supreme Court For Super Court

* FOOTBALL!! Is Still Four Months Away

* Jennifer Garner Has Breasts, To Her Surprise

* "Man On Fire" Should Be Set On Fire


* Buffy Fans Still Unhealthily Obsessed With Spike

* Natalie Portman Eats Ugandan Baby



* Man is total baby! With hilarious results.


* Boastful Street Kid: BRAGAMUFFIN

* German Export: AUDI

4 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-04-14 22:47

Due to circumstances completely beyond the control of the Editor, he has been unable to write the Roundup this week, and may not again until next week. INSANITY. The Editor apologizes for the inconvenience, and the Roundup will be back as soon as possible.


* Everything Fucked

* Thanks, George!

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Date:2004-04-09 12:57


* Rice: Osama Bin Laden A Werewolf!

Washington--Under intense questioning from the Congressional Commission appointed to investigate the intelligence failures that led up to the attacks of 9/11, which you must have forgotten about, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice revealed perhaps the most shocking information to date: Osama bin Laden is a werewolf!

"Clearly we could not have anticipated his inhuman powers and the preternatural cleverness that goes along with them," Rice testified. "His abilities to prowl the night and eat babies and kill heroes could never have been expected."

The hearings turned contentious when Rice was confronted with a White House memo, dated 6 August 2001, from Richard Clarke entitled "Osama bin Laden Plans to Fly Airplanes Into Major U.S. Landmarks and Destroy Life As We Know It And The Blame Iraq." Former Senator Bob Kerrey demanded to know how, in the face of such evidence, the attacks could not have been anticipated. Rice, however, dismissed the report as "historical nonsense even more facile than my Ph.D."

"The fact remains," she continued, "that there was no 'silver bullet' in the U.S. arsenal that could have prevented the attacks, which even the Administration has forgotten about. Rest assured that we are working on one, however."

A spokesman for the Coors Brewing Company could not be reached for comment.


* Dumbass Wants Compensation For Ruining His Cheapass Suede Jacket Like A Moron

* Arkansas Woman Desperately Needs To Learn About Birth Control

* New Battery-Powered Toy SUV To Get Kids Addicted To Gas-Guzzlers Early

* Rice: "We Had No Intelligence Whatsoever"

* Commission: "Had?"

* Bob Kerrey Has Biggest Headache Ever

* Senate Passes Law Ensuring Your Pension Plan Will Be Bankrupt In Three Years

* CDC: Sorry About That Whole Flu Scare

* Oh, You Know What Went On Iraq Today

* Some Foreign Civilians Kidnapped And Threatened With Grisly Death, Or Something

* Afghanistan Dissolving Into Chaos Despite U.S.-Imposed Constitution, Somehow

* Local County Is Number One! In Overpopulation

* WWII Memorial Finished Early, Under Budget; Shock Kills Remaining Vets

* FCC All Up In Howard Stern's Private Parts

* We're Really Excited About Golf FOr Some Reason

* Non-Locals Doing Sports-Type Things, Too

* "Dogville" Just Slightly Better Than "The Leviathan"

* Cedric The Entertainer Actually Living Up To Name, Amazingly

* Billy Bob Thornton To Sire Yet Another Devil Child

* Speaking Of Devil Spawn, Debra Messing Gives Birth

* And Tallulah Willis Appears In Film With Father


* Man has bad hair day! With hilarious results.



16 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-04-08 13:22


* We've Run Out Of Ways To Say "Iraq Is Fucked"

Fallujah, Iraq--Buried under an avalanche of reports of suicide bombings, casualties, insurgencies and attacks, the editorial desk today admitted that it had completely run out of ways to describe how fucked the situation in Iraq is.

"We've gone through the thesaurus, we've, uh, 'borrowed' headlines from other papers--we're just out of ideas," said Managing Editor Philodendra McPhee. "The civil unrest has spread to seven cities or more, now; as many as forty, or maybe none at all, were killed in an attack on a mosque that may or may not be a center of resistance. Lots of people are dying, and we're just lucky we can keep a number on it!"

"Basically, no one knows what's going on. I'm sure somehow this is Bill Clinton's fault."


* Rice Prepares To Receive New Asshole; As If We Need Another One In The White House

* You Did What To Your Eyes?

* Louisiana Family Violates Child Labor Laws, How Cute!

* Naked West Virginia Politician Not Nearly As Cool As He Thinks He Is

* Did We Mention That Iraq Is Fucked?

* And So Are All The Troops There?

* Okay Then

* Injuns Continue To Get Fucked Over By U.S. Government

* Satire Not Funny, Three College Papers Learn After April Fools Editions

* Father O'Donovan Found Dead

* So, If You Were To Choose One Word To Describe The Situation In Iraq, What Would It Be?

* Fighting In Iraq (Fucked) Draining Resources From Actual Fight Against Actual Terrorists, Say Pakistanis

* Rwanda Not So Fucked Anymore But Still Dead

* Some Companies Make, Others Lose Money

* Virginia Lawmakers Resort To "Compromise" To Pass Budget

* Savior Of Soccer In America Gets Boo-Boo

* Editor's Ex-Boyfriend So Pissed At UConn Right Now

* Female Empowerment Equated With Ass Size

* French Space Aliens Making Better Music Than Anyone We Can Name

* What Is It With Women And Apes?

* Turks Spin Their Way To Holiness, Dry Clothes

* French Bauhaus Bean Childhood Ballet Thing Makes Less Sense Than Iraq

* New Edition Recycled

* Trump Outsmarts Chicken; GOOD JOB DONNIE

* Country Music And KFC: A Match Made In HELL


* Extremely fat baseball player learns point of catcalls! With hilarious results.


* Dundee Toppers: TAMS

* Stiller's Partner: MEARA

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Date:2004-04-05 13:04


* 10 American Heroes Tragically Die Defending Democracy

Najaf, Iraq--At least ten U.S. fighters for freedom and truth, as well as some other small number of foreign soldiers, like maybe three, were killed in widespread unrest around Iraq over the weekend. At least another 24 heroic defenders of democracy and right were wounded. The total number of Americans who have now died since President Bush declared the major fighting over in Iraq more than eleven months ago has topped some incredibly small number that you don't need to worry about.

Their heinous murders were perpetrated at the hands of the villainous minions of the shadowy and probably evil anti-American cleric Muqtada al-Sadr. The killing occurred in several incidents across four cities and one unsettled region, where American hammers of justice bravely shot at and ran away from dirty raghead guerrillas who displayed a distinct lack of gratitude for their liberation from the most evil man ever to have lived in the history of the entire universe except for maybe Satan who is, according to a White House memo, real and named John Kerry.

Oh, also some Iraqis died, or something.


* College Students Snowboard To Save Environment, Somehow

* New General MacArthur Doll "Way Less Gay" Than Ken

* Ohio Officials More Incensed Over Fake Suicide Scene Than Real Suicides

* Ready Or Not, U.S. Giving Up On Iraq on 30 June

* Children Who Watch TV Have Short Atte--Want To Ride Bikes?

* Fairleigh Dickinson Fairly Fucked

* 9/11 Panel To Ask Questions, Get Answers

* Thousands of Credit Cards "Accidentally" Overcharged; It's Your Fault If You Don't Notice, Though

* Pretty White Girl Who Was Never In Any Danger Found Safe And Sound Thank God

* Anti-U.S. Iraqi Cleric Popular Despite Poor Public Speaking Skills, Anti-U.S. Stance

* Slovenia: We Can Be Racist, Too!

* Spain Fights Terrorism Without Invading Uninvolved Countries

* Local Transit Systems Fight Terrorism Without Invading Uninvolved Countries

* Basketball Games Won, Lost

* Local Teams Keep Losing

* Disney Aims To Get Kids Early

* Kurt Cobain Deep, Haunting, Soulful, Still Dead

* Peter Jennings All Finding Jesus

* Entire Osbourne Family High Every Single Second Of Every Day

* Minor Celebrity Is Just So Damn Pretty!


* Store owner makes predictable, hackneyed pun! With hilarious results.


* Shark's Offer: LOAN

* Presidential Run: TERM

* Court Defense: ZONE

5 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-04-02 14:18

It has come to my attention that Lidice is a reference a little more obscure than the Editor had originally thought. I apologize for any lack of funny it may have caused.

12 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-04-02 11:05


* U.S.: Vengeance Will Be Ours

Fallujah, Iraq--The day after the grisly murder of four U.S. civilian contractors, an unpleasant reminder of another abject foreign policy failure in Somalia, Administration and military officials promised that America would take its revenge on the people of Fallujah. Though American troops did not enter the city on Thursday, they awaited but the command to visit the "overwhelming" punishment which the godless darkies so obviously deserve.

Brigadier General Mark Kimmit promised that the retribution would be swift, effective, and at a time and place of America's choosing. "We were thinking maybe early next week? We'll let you guys know. Oh, but, no cameras."

"The murderers and their friends and families and neighbors and people they sort of know, all of them, all will pay," cackled L. Paul Bremer, unelected major domo for the occupied territories, from his secret mountain lair. "Our justice will be swift and thoroughly destructive. The people of Lidice will long rue the day they dared cross L. Paul Bremer!"

"Uh, did I say Lidice? I mean Fallujah. Sorry."


* Planes From National Now Fly Useful Places

* British Swear Plutonium/Chicken Nuclear Weapon Makes Total Sense

* Aluminum Foil Prank So Last Month

* Why Ohio Sucks This Week: Police Decide Spanking Is Perfect Punishment For Speeders

* Fetuses Now Have More Rights Than You

* Missing Pretty White Girl Found, Thank God!

* Wow, Those Iraq Photos We Printed Sure Were Gross, Weren't They?

* Here Are Some More!

* List Of Still Fucked Countries: Iraq, Uzbekistan

* It Was Bound To Happen: Marxists Rounded Up As Terrorists

* Metro, Water Service Still Suck, Still Getting More Expensive

* Google Reinvents Email Somehow

* Fourteen Year Old Is Savior Of US Soccer; Kind Of A Small, Black, Soccer-Playing Joe Gibbs

* Men, Women To Finally Stop Playing College Basketball After This Weekend

* Cubs Pegged As Division Favorite: HAW HAW HAW

* Sports Editor Runs Amok, Takes Up Five Pages

* New Rock Movie Terrible, What A Complete Shock

* Talking Cow Movie Evokes Predictable "Udder" Pun

* A Rags-To-Riches Movie About American Yokel, European Prince? HOW ORIGINAL

* Cat Basketball Team Probably Better Than Local Team

* If We Have To Hear That "Simpsons Strike For More D'Oh" Joke Once More We Swear To God We Will Scream

* You've Been Punk'd: Punk'd To Return To Air

* Fox Just Ripping Itself Off Now


* Dog is more religious than man who makes miserable attempt at pun! With hilarious results.


* Kind Of Credit: EXTRA

* Book Containing Legends: ATLAS

* Jack-Tar: GOB

8 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-03-31 10:31


* Rice Rearranges Busy Hair-Washing Schedule

Washington--In a complete reversal from the stance it loudly and publicly defended only days ago, the White House has decided to reschedule National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice's beauty appointment to allow her to appear before the Congressional commission investigating the 9/11 attacks, which even we have forgotten about. Rice will likely testify, under oath, before the commission at the end of next week, while her beauty appointment has been pushed back to some time in May.

"Though I feel I am doing a disservice to the American people," Rice declared at a press conference to announce the appearance, "by not keeping up with current hairstyles and beauty trends when I advise the President on issues of national security, I also feel it is important for me to support the Administration's re-election bid by propagating the fiction that it is tough on terrorism. Oh, and also maybe get to the bottom of whatever that New York thingy from 2001 is. I forget."

The White House also announced that both President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney would answer questions for the commission privately, together, at a quiet little restaurant with a quaint atmosphere and the best duck in town. "I've ordered this level of cooperation because my advisers told me my numbers were slipping too badly," said President Bush. "Remember, a vote for John Kerry is a vote for Osama bin Laden's gay marriage to Yassir Arafat."


* New Venom Bleach Gives Hope To Bloody Murderers Wanting Clean Getaway

* Man Tries Snorting Coffee

* 70-Year Old Campground Outhouse Marked For Preservation; Surrounding Forest Clearcut

* Kerry: Everything Ever Is Bush's Fault

* Bush: Everything Ever Is Clinton's Fault

* Execution, Slaughterhouse, Strangling, Slitting, Dismembering: Yep, Ohio Again

* CIA: Those WMD Must Be Hidden Really Well

* Yet Another Pretty White Girl Missing

* Jesus Fails To Save Students From Ceiling Collapse

* Women Encouraged To Stop Having Sex, Never Leave House

* British War On Terror Leads To Actual Legal Arrests Of Actual Possible Terrorists

* Pakistan Backs Off Claim Of Being At All Useful In Afghan War

* Remember 9/11? Blame Canada

* Another Non-Democratic U.S. Ally Neighboring Afghanistan Rocked By Violence, Protests, Explosions; We're Not Sure Which One, Possibly All

* Truck Drivers Fucking Up Everyone's Commute Again

* We Can't Believe You're Not Dead Of Lead Poisoning Yet

* Starbucks Plans Three Stores On Every Corner By 2008

* Consumers Continue Not To Buy Anything, As They Lack Jobs

* Which Are All Being Sent Overseas

* Just What America Needs, Another SUV

* Yankees Worst Team In Baseball; All Is Right With World

* Instant Replay Back Again For Five Years

* Instant Replay Back Agai--Sorry

* Movie Character Puts Liverwurst On Head

* You Will Soon Be So Sick Of Sesame Street

* Comedienne Actually Funny

* Peter Ustinov Still Dead After Very Brief Cameo

* Alistair Cooke Still Dead, Too

* "Coach" Reunion Most Exciting Thing On CBS Since "Coach"

* Actor Arrested For Behaving Like Asshat

* "Jesus" A Swear Word, Apparently

* Jay Leno Now Paid Approximately $20 Million Per Chin


* Man can't do his hair! With hilarious results.


* Overthrow, Perhaps: ERROR

* Good Name For A Cook: STU

4 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-03-30 11:03


* Mass. Promises To Take Away Rights Eventually Maybe

Boston--The Massachusetts State Legislature yesterday gave final approval to an amendment to the state constitution specifically designed to undermine the clause of the document which guarantees all state citizens equal rights under the law. The proposed amendment would ban gay marriage but allow civil unions in a compromise that has drawn criticism from both activists who support equal rights and those who believe that their religious beliefs should trump civil standing under law.

"Establishment Clause be damned," screamed anti-marriage activist and devout Christian Ezekiel McCafferty, "Jesus died for my sins, not so that homos could enjoy equal protection!" Other anti-rights activists were more sanguine, noting that the ban was critical for the maintenance of public order and the coherence of the family unit. "Just look at the complete anarchy and breakdown of the educational system in San Francisco and the Netherlands," said Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. "It's complete anarchy, with babies being eaten in the streets and being put on spikes by bands of lawless married homosexuals. We can't allow that to happen here."

The passage of the proposed amendment has no immediate effect beyond making the legislators feel good about themselves, as according to the Massachusetts constitutional amendment process, next year's legislature must pass the same amendment, at which point it appears on a ballot for approval by the state's electorate. The earliest the amendment could take effect is 2006, well after the May 17th deadline mandated by the Massachusetts Supreme Court for same sex marriages to begin. Governor Romney has indicated that he will ask for a temporary abridgment of rights until if and when the permanent one can take effect, but the Court has said repeatedly that it will do no such thing, since it is in the business of protecting rights, not applying them whimsically.


* Maybe You'll Be Able To Buy Food Tomorrow

* Man Distributes Nude Pictures To See Reactions; Didn't Expect Laughter

* Fluorescent Yellow Shark "Not At All Connected" With Australian Nuclear Industry

* China's IP Laws So Weak It's Pirating Itself

* Remember Saddam Hussein? Yeah, We Don't Either

* FEC Considers Cutting Off Funding For Candidate Who Has Already Lost Nomination Fight

* No Child Left Behind Act Left Behind

* Candidates Disagree on Policy Issue

* NATO Expansion Not Even Worth Full Article

* Terror Bombers Hit Country No One Fucking Cares About

* Annan Publicly Castigates Security Head For Bombings SEVEN MONTHS AGO

* Pakistanis Insist Week-Long Assault On Waziristan Was "Totally Useful," "Killed A Lot Of People"

* Maryland Governor Signs "Timely" Terror Weather Relief Bill

* Tyco Jury In Complete Uproar Over Inappropriate Nothing, So Far As Anyone Can Tell

* Designers Employ Innovative Business Technique, Cut Prices to Boost Sales

* Ambulance Chasing Enters Digital Age

* Exercise, You Fat Slobs!

* Underscores Replace Dashes In Sports Reporting

* Lack Of Basketball Doesn't Keep It From Dominating Sports Page

* Yankees Begin Season In Japan; Playing Some Other Team


* Jack White Needs To Stop Wearing Tight Red Pants

* Usher Would Like To Feel Your Pain And Your, Uh

* Armadillo Race Celebrates Texas History, Culture

* Julia Stiles Totally Stalking Queen Elizabeth

* People Page Caption Writer Gets Genuine Laugh Out Of Editor


* Man puts things in pockets! With hilarious results.


* Heavy-weight Plans: DIETS

* Miss Piggy's Word: MOI

5 comments | post a comment

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